By Tanith Carey
There isn’t a parent with a teenager who
hasn’t been told 'You’re ruining my life’ or 'I hate you’ at some point.
But if that’s not bad enough, their behaviour can get even worse if we
fail to understand the brain changes triggering these outbursts. A major new study, just published by Berlin’s Max Planck Institute,
is the latest to find that teenagers go through the same rewiring
between the age of 13 and 17 as they did when they were toddlers. Second
time around however, when they match you for size and are using much
more colourful language, it can be much harder to handle.
Of course, knowing that they have the impulses of toddlers doesn’t mean you should treat them as such
As a parenting author,
looking at the bigger picture of children’s mental health, I know we can
also end up losing our connection with our teens when they need us
most. So if you want to know what NOT to do, here’s five sure-fire ways
to salvaging your relationship with your teen, and make this period even
more turbulent.
1. STOP asking “What’s wrong with you?”
There’s nothing wrong with this question, if you genuinely want to know. However all-too-often, it’s a rhetorical outburst, blurted out by parents who have run out of patience.
Worse still, it sends the message you think there is something fundamentally defective about your child, which can never be changed.
What’s actually 'wrong’ with teens is that the frontal lobes in their brains, which controls impulses, reasoning and planning, are the last to be rewired for adulthood.
While this re-arrangement is going on, decision-making is re-routed via the amygdala, a primal part of their brain which reacts instantaneously and emotionally to any perceived threat.
Neuroscientist, Dr. Frances Jensen, author of new book 'The Teenage Brain’ says: 'Teenagers make much more sense when you understand that the frontal lobes of the brain - the part responsible for judgment, impulse control, mood and emotions - is the last part to fully develop.
'So the brain just doesn’t know how to regulate itself yet. They’re like Ferraris with weak brakes. '
Of course, it’s easy to assume that this doesn’t matter because teens never listen anyway, but, on the contrary, they are hypersensitive to our opinions of them. Pretending not to care is their defence mechanism.
To confused adolescent, such despairing comments from the parent who is supposed to love them the most, can cut deep.
Such messages get turned inwards into negative self-talk.
These voices can be very hard to silence once they take hold in a teen’s malleable brain, just as it is laying down the pathways which will influence their future mental health.
Instead one of the greatest gifts you can give your teen at this age is not only an understanding of what is happening inside their mind, but also the concept of 'a growth mindset.’
The approach, developed by Stanford psychology professor Carole Dweck, means simply explaining that no negative trait is ever fixed or stuck, and that we can all evolve and change. The latest scientific research into the adolescent brain proves this is absolutely the case.
A full-scale outburst can also feel like the easiest - or even the only option - to show teens you really mean business. At times like this our 'reptile brain’- the basic instinct of fight or flight that kicks in before our higher thought processes have the chance to modify them – takes over.
It’s in these moments, we end up saying things we
regret, often making damning generalisations about our children’s
behaviour, which they feel unable to escape.
Furthermore you are only teaching your child’s impressionable brain that shouting is the appropriate response, creating a negative feed-back loop which means you will only be end up on the receiving end of more hair-dryer treatment yourself. Indeed thirteen-year-olds who received a lot of harsh verbal discipline from their parents were fond to be more likely to have symptoms of depression at age 14, according to recent findings published in the journal Child Development. They were also more likely to show more signs of problem behaviour like aggression and anger.
We have assumed the role of our children’s trainers, feeling entitled to continually bombard them with suggestions about what they should be doing better.
British youngsters are already the most tested in the world, and get so many assessments, it’s likely your teen will know exactly how they are doing.
The damage caused by our constant incitements to try harder and do better can do long-term damage to your relationship. In one study, published by the Journal of Personality, it was found that students whose love depended on how well they did were more likely to resent them when they grew to adulthood.
Even when such children did well, their own satisfaction was fleeting and they often felt ashamed and guilty and less worthy, even as grown-ups.
So, instead, let your home be a haven from the pressures of the outside world where they can relax and recharge.
After all, if you have a stroppy adolescent mooching around like a bear with a sore head, it can frankly be a relief when they disappear into their room. But if you let distance grow between you, you will not be able to reach your child at a time when they have never been more at risk from issues, like depressions, cyber-addiction, eating disorders and self-harm.
The less time you spend with them, the more they will feel like 'outsiders’ and the worse their behaviour will become. If you feel a wall has built up between you, it’s time to break it down.
Whether it’s walking the dog or having a drink together in a café, find regular slots for the two of you to be together, no strings attached and no pep talks.
When you first ask, it’s likely your teen will look at you with the as much enthusiasm as if you’d asked them to mop the floor. Persevere. Inside they will be flattered you want to spend time with them again for their own sake. If you keep setting aside time like this, your home will become a happier and less stressful place to be surprisingly quickly.
5. NEVER SAY: 'I never spoke to my parents the way you do.’
There’s nothing wrong with this question, if you genuinely want to know. However all-too-often, it’s a rhetorical outburst, blurted out by parents who have run out of patience.
Worse still, it sends the message you think there is something fundamentally defective about your child, which can never be changed.
What’s actually 'wrong’ with teens is that the frontal lobes in their brains, which controls impulses, reasoning and planning, are the last to be rewired for adulthood.
While this re-arrangement is going on, decision-making is re-routed via the amygdala, a primal part of their brain which reacts instantaneously and emotionally to any perceived threat.
Neuroscientist, Dr. Frances Jensen, author of new book 'The Teenage Brain’ says: 'Teenagers make much more sense when you understand that the frontal lobes of the brain - the part responsible for judgment, impulse control, mood and emotions - is the last part to fully develop.
'So the brain just doesn’t know how to regulate itself yet. They’re like Ferraris with weak brakes. '
Of course, it’s easy to assume that this doesn’t matter because teens never listen anyway, but, on the contrary, they are hypersensitive to our opinions of them. Pretending not to care is their defence mechanism.
To confused adolescent, such despairing comments from the parent who is supposed to love them the most, can cut deep.
Such messages get turned inwards into negative self-talk.
These voices can be very hard to silence once they take hold in a teen’s malleable brain, just as it is laying down the pathways which will influence their future mental health.
Instead one of the greatest gifts you can give your teen at this age is not only an understanding of what is happening inside their mind, but also the concept of 'a growth mindset.’
The approach, developed by Stanford psychology professor Carole Dweck, means simply explaining that no negative trait is ever fixed or stuck, and that we can all evolve and change. The latest scientific research into the adolescent brain proves this is absolutely the case.
2. DON’T raise your voice
While we try not to shout at young children because it makes us feel like bullies, parents often find themselves raising their voices when their offspring become an equal match in size.A full-scale outburst can also feel like the easiest - or even the only option - to show teens you really mean business. At times like this our 'reptile brain’- the basic instinct of fight or flight that kicks in before our higher thought processes have the chance to modify them – takes over.
Let your home be a haven from the pressures of the outside world where they can relax and recharge.
Furthermore you are only teaching your child’s impressionable brain that shouting is the appropriate response, creating a negative feed-back loop which means you will only be end up on the receiving end of more hair-dryer treatment yourself. Indeed thirteen-year-olds who received a lot of harsh verbal discipline from their parents were fond to be more likely to have symptoms of depression at age 14, according to recent findings published in the journal Child Development. They were also more likely to show more signs of problem behaviour like aggression and anger.
3. FORGET about being a career coach
By the time children hit the teen years, most parents are so panicked by the need for stellar exam results, we are on their case almost all of the time. But imagine how you would feel if you found your boss waiting at home for you every night to grill you on your performance.We have assumed the role of our children’s trainers, feeling entitled to continually bombard them with suggestions about what they should be doing better.
British youngsters are already the most tested in the world, and get so many assessments, it’s likely your teen will know exactly how they are doing.
The damage caused by our constant incitements to try harder and do better can do long-term damage to your relationship. In one study, published by the Journal of Personality, it was found that students whose love depended on how well they did were more likely to resent them when they grew to adulthood.
Even when such children did well, their own satisfaction was fleeting and they often felt ashamed and guilty and less worthy, even as grown-ups.
So, instead, let your home be a haven from the pressures of the outside world where they can relax and recharge.
4. DON’T 'leave them to it'
As children head into the teen years and appear to want to be around you less, the biggest mistake parents make is 'letting them get on with it.’After all, if you have a stroppy adolescent mooching around like a bear with a sore head, it can frankly be a relief when they disappear into their room. But if you let distance grow between you, you will not be able to reach your child at a time when they have never been more at risk from issues, like depressions, cyber-addiction, eating disorders and self-harm.
The less time you spend with them, the more they will feel like 'outsiders’ and the worse their behaviour will become. If you feel a wall has built up between you, it’s time to break it down.
Whether it’s walking the dog or having a drink together in a café, find regular slots for the two of you to be together, no strings attached and no pep talks.
When you first ask, it’s likely your teen will look at you with the as much enthusiasm as if you’d asked them to mop the floor. Persevere. Inside they will be flattered you want to spend time with them again for their own sake. If you keep setting aside time like this, your home will become a happier and less stressful place to be surprisingly quickly.
There is nothing that presses the buttons of parents more than blatant
rudeness. One of the latest insights into the effect this can have comes
from psychoanalyst Professor Joy Schaverien, who spent over 20 years researching her new book Boarding School Syndrome.
She found that parents who grew up in very strict school environments may
have a particularly short fuse when their own children defy them 'Those
who grew up in regimes where there was no choice but to obey every rule
without question tell me how difficult they find it when their own
teenagers are stroppy with them because they were never given the space
to behave like that.
'If they also did not see their parents
much because they were at school, they tended to be on polite terms and
best behaviour so it’s true that probably didn’t’ speak to them like
that.’
However there are scientific reasons you don’t have to
treat teen outbursts personally. Research published last month by the
Max Planck Institute in Berlin has found the reason for the
impulsiveness that causes so much friction with parents is that the
adolescent brain has not yet developed patience. Researchers found that
teenagers base many of their actions on immediate gratification, thinking about the here and now, not the future.
They have not grown yet developed the nerve connections to deal with decision-making
The biggest mistake parents make is 'letting them get on with it.’
Of course, knowing that they have the impulses of toddlers doesn’t mean you should treat them as such.
But being armed with this information will make it easier for you to
stay calm. Take reassurance too from the fact they feel comfortable
enough to test their boundaries with you.
You will be better off praising them when they are being polite, than flying off the handle when they are being obnoxious.
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